Let me tell you about my God.

Sometimes I want to run away. Pack up some clothing, a few books, and a little bit of money and set off. To see the world? Maybe. To get away from the stress and pressure and uncertainty? Definitely.

Therefore being justified by faith, 

We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: 

By whom also we have access by faith into this grace

Wherein we stand, 

And rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 

And not only so, 

But we glory in tribulations also: 

Knowing that tribulation worketh patience.

Romans 5:1-3 

My soul cries out and my Savior answers. Reminds me that this life is only temporary. So why am I spending it frustrated with where God has placed me?! Daily I am confronted with my sin, my discontentment, my desire for my way. And daily, I receive grace enough to make it once again. Grace that has been showered on me without end. Grace that I have never once deserved but always get. 

Daily I am humbled by the deep love God has for me despite my sin upon sin upon sin. Love that pulls me back every time. Love that doesn't get tired of forgiving. Love that does not let me go. Love that told Joshua to be strong and of a good courage not just once, twice, or three times. But seven times. And then wrote it in Scripture so that future generations could read those words and be strengthened by them. 

These things I have spoken unto you, 

That in me ye might have peace. 

In the world ye shall have tribulation: 

But be of good cheer; 

I have overcome the world. 

John 16:33 

I am a junior in college. Like many of my peers, I'm facing uncertainty. So many unknowns. Senior year is coming and I honestly don't know what comes after that. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow much less a year from now. Sure, I'll be going to grad school. That's the next logical step for my field. But what will I go to grad school for? How many will I get? Where will I go after that? Don't most grad schools want you to have more specific life goals than I want to go places and tell people about my God? 

Behold, I go forward, 

But he is not there; 

And backward, 

But I cannot perceive him: 

On the left hand, where he doth work 

But I cannot behold him; 

He hideth himself on the right hand, 

That I cannot see him; 

But he knoweth the way that I take: 

When he hath tried me, 

I shall come forth as gold. 

Job 23:8-10

I often step up into the ring to fight a battle with myself. I want to know my future now. I want to be done with my education now. I want to be smart enough now. I want answers now. I hate the waiting, don't want to be patient, and for pity's sake why can't I just be over there now?! 

And days like today don't help things. I am so weary, so done, so sick of trying to be grown up and mature and pretending I can handle it. I am done with the discouragement and the emotion and the feeling that I just can't get it right.

Today, I earnestly long for relief. For someone to whisper that it's going to be okay and for me to believe it.

As I feel these griefs--the ones I'm saying and the ones I'm not saying--two words echo in my mind. Words I have repeated so often in the past week.

God knows. 

He knows my heartache. My struggle. The searing brokenness I often feel. He knows the end before the beginning. The brokenness behind my efforts. The sinfulness behind my perfectionist mask. 

God knows. 

And let me tell you about my God. 

The book of Joshua echoes the goodness of God over and over and over again. From God's charge to Joshua in the first chapter to be strong and courageous all the way to the twenty-fourth chapter as Joshua recounts Israel's history and the children of Israel pledge to serve the Lord the goodness of God is seen. 

Let me tell you about my God.

My God who keeps His promises. Who holds His children in everlasting arms. Who takes their brokenness, their sickness, their sinfulness, and all their hurts and crafts a masterpiece that only His hands can make. Who is taking the broken vessel that I am, and as a loving Potter does, shattering it, picking up the pieces and creating something new and beautiful and whole.

Let me tell you about my God.

My God who delivered the children of Israel from slavery, from desolation. He protected them through their forty year trek in the wilderness. And He didn't stop there. He led them in battle so they could claim the land He promised to them. He rose up leaders who served Him with their whole hearts. Moses, who led them through the wilderness. Joshua, who led them into the promised land. 

Let Joshua tell you about our God. 

...

"And you have seen all that the Lord your God has done 

to all these nations because of you, 

for the Lord your God is He who has been fighting for you."

...

“Now behold, 

today I am going the way of all the earth, 

and you know in all your hearts 

and in all your souls 

that not one word of all the good words 

which the Lord your God spoke concerning you has failed; 

all have been fulfilled for you, 

not one of them has failed." 

Joshua 23:3, 14

That's my God he's talking about. My God who fights for me, who never fails, never goes back on His promises to me. The God who sees my sinfulness and loves me anyway. The God who sacrificed His one and only Son for me: an awful, miserable, wicked wretch. I do not deserve a single moment of the grace I have already received and continue to receive. And this. This is the promise I cling to now.

In perfect honesty, right now I'm in a season of battle. I often write blog posts when I've reached a victory, when I've overcome a mountain. And maybe that's why I've been silent for so long. Because I've been living in the valley. A deep valley of discouragement, uncertainty, and wandering. I've had to cut out so much this semester. And the only true comfort I have is in my God.

And that's okay.

So if you see me around, don't let me whimper. Don't let me despair. 

Let me tell you about my God.